"Drowning But Waving"

2006-04-23T05:44:00.000+08:00

moved! :)

my-credo.blogspot.com

2006-03-22T04:31:00.000+08:00

ok at such an hour, i shouldn't still be around. but i can't get to sleep! i went around online, doing some reading and blog hopping.. and i realised, ok not realised as if i never knew it was happening. but i was hit by how God was moving all over the campuses!

God is really moving greatly and mightly in all the campuses! everyday! everyday there's new and more amazing testimonies to share! blood is rushing through me! God i've been missing out the huge X-factor for so long! you! your moving hand! your closeness!

i recalled a lot. many many things. i remember when i was a new believer, i praised god under every breath. really. i experienced god in so many tangible ways! so young yet my heart was so convicted of how real god is cos' he really showed himself to me! and god! situations can change, people around me can change, but god! retain the spirit i had for you in the past! i want to possess simple faith again! i want to possess the simple trust which will make me go when you say "go!"

there's this particular person who really matters a lot to me. and i've been, we've been drawing further from each other by day. i was disappointed in the distance of our relationship. i love this person loads and god knows just how much this person means to me. yet, no matter how i try to salvage this relationship, it never seems to work! then i evaluated almost every night how i could salvage it. i realised, maybe i was depending on my own "unwise wisdom" too much to handle it, so it never solved. i tried to change style in handling. tried to open my ears wider to hear the spirit guiding. but no! it didn't work out! not that spirit didn't speak! i couldn't hear! or i was too anxious to follow STEP-BY-STEP!

then one day, i came across her blog. and felt something different. i finally understood. she was growing, and i wasn't. communication broke down. ok it hit me. for a moment. then today, nel mentioned the triangle diagram with god heading the pointed top of triangle, the other 2 base angles being man. when both man draw near to god together, their distances draw nearer. when one man draws nearer and the other man doesn't, they distant. how true! this is it! this is why!

God! i want to draw closer to you! not because i want to see healing in this broken relationship, but because i really know and am sure that you are the way, the truth, and the life. my way, my truth, and my life!

one day as a friend told of how his parents had to work double jobs just to provide the family with bare minimum, as i saw how people scrimped and saved for.. for survival. i sat thinking.. its a vicious chain.

you struggle to earn, earn enough to pay the bills, to eat, to own a house, to travel. basically, you earn to survive. and then, you survive to earn. and then, you earn to survive. and one day, you grow older, you die. --- you live to die. is it crude to put it this way? no! i can imagine myself trying to find a job that pays well next time just so i can afford meals and bills.. then what next? when i've paid off my bills and able to afford good enough meals? life just goes on!

God it makes a difference with you around! it makes such a tangible difference! instead of earning to live, i earn to sustain myself in you, i earn to sustain your kingdom ! i earn to sustain your name!

this april god, work in my heart as i surrender it to you. i hand myself over to you. i don't know what might happen or what's going to. all i know is, when i surrender, when you take over, good thing's gonna happen. give me my first great and sweaty harvest after such a loooooooooooong drought!

i want to be a shepherd for you again! i want to influence and impact lives for you again! i want to lead for you!

i want to be a risk taker for you! i want to be a wise yet foolish leader for you! i want to count the cost, yet just chiong upon the word 'trust' for you! i want to be someone who doesn't know what's fear and just chiong and learn from experiences. i really really want to be a risk taker for you! i want to see a hardened, choked up and spiritually dying heart of someone yet say "praise jesus! here's a great chance for revival!" i want to be someone who prays in great expectations! i want to be someone whom the devil will not even dare to come near cos' he knows my "tao" is jesus!

help me jesus! once again, i commit my life to you! all the rest of it!

2006-03-22T04:29:00.000+08:00

2006-01-17T12:48:00.000+08:00

right now both of us are blogging from the sch both. both of us as in i and joey. we're both blogging bout' the same stuffs - our BCLS. just over. a huge sigh of relief. WE ARE IN LAB NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHAHAHAHA..... WE CAN SAVE PPLE LIAO! NOW WHOEVER NO BREATHING CAN GO TO.............................. YU HAN! i DO THE CLAPPING.... 1 AND 2 AND 3 AND......... WAHAHAHA.... BACK TO U, HAN! (this is what happens when one lets loose after few days of stress. you kinda stray away from sane-ness.)

so anyways, since returning back to sch, we've been working really hard on all the cpr(s) and all. extra practice sessions, one shot 3 hr practice and bla bla. but this morning while waiting for my turn to take up the 1 man, i realised that no amount of practise could really secure me. it was knowing that god would anoint my hands and brains that calmed me.

so anyways, passed! :)

oh one funny thing. i was preparing for the infant cpr, so the teacher gave me secenrio. he said:" you're taking care of this infant *points to the rubber one on the...bed? ;p* and you find him cyanosed and there isn't any response from him. carry on from here. ha guess what i confidently
did?! i said:" help call ambulance 995!" and then i think god also fainted up there. he probably hit me with his staff or sth. cos' immediately after saying it i was like:" er sorry, already in hospital hor, no need call ambulance!" ha silly!

next tough and stressful mission: look for lunch. god you provide!

2006-01-09T14:00:00.000+08:00

this new yr, i want many new things, many breakthroughs, many "beyonds". and all these, can only be done hand in hand with God.

i'm ready to walk into valleys and fall into pits with You.

i'm ready to stand on mountain tops with You too.

this new yr, grant me healing of relationships as well! family, hy, jas.

2005-12-07T01:56:00.000+08:00

wow! listening to "joy to the world" now, my whole room feels like its already christmas! i'm praying hard that my brother may enter and feel this joy too!

today has been a fruitful day! not cos' my day was packed! but cos' from each programme that i attend (attachment considered as programme too), i've learnt many things from it!

during cg today, it was like i got hit by a huge gong. its 18 days away from christmas. 15 days from the first basket of harvest. Lord! give me strength, perseverance, wisdom, urgency, conviction, and LOVE to continue sewing my net! keep me deiligently casting my net for you!

anoint me that i may spread the "pepper&mama-lemon dish washing liquid story" of how you save us and how you want to save all of us!

prune me so you can use me well! take my fears and uncertainties away! you! you are my certainty! when i crown you, my fears leave!

2005-12-02T01:34:00.000+08:00

a rare night i'm home slightly earlier, so i spent some, quite some time online, browsing around. saw many past photos, and got reminded of many past times.

the few touchdown points of my life.

i must thank god for, God. for... just everything. my hairs, my chipped off toe nails, my life.

Last Christmas, i made making you the centreofmylife my touchdown. This Christmas, would the people around me do the same too?

my intercession, Your strength, Your plans, Your time.

>>huiyingtay
hey girl. i'm not sure what'd come across your mind if you ever stumble upon my blog and see your picture around. i think its been... a whole one and half years since i last said this. but yea. in case you're doubting, you mean something to me. you're a friend i'll never forget, and i'm pretty sure our friendship won't fade. but i need a garuantee.. the garuantee that only a covenant can bring. if you think that it will only mean that i care when i listen to you cry your heart, when i present my presence at your downtimes and all, you're wrong. its cos' i care, that i never gave up sharing to you. i want to bring you into this protected covenant too. this Christmas god...

2005-11-27T05:26:00.000+08:00

As the Deer..

2005-11-23T13:45:00.000+08:00

my favourite song! used to sing it in pri school!

When A Child Is Born
A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A tiny star lights up way up high
All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born

A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt crumble tossed and torn
This comes to pass, when a child is born

A rosy hue settles all around
You got the feel, you're on solid ground
For a spell or two no one seems forlorn
This comes to pass, when a child is born

Spoken: And all of this happens, because the world is waiting.
Waiting for one child; Black-white-yellow, no one knows...
but a child that will grow up and turn tears to laughter,
hate to love, war to peace and everyone to everyone's neighbor,
and misery and suffering will be words to be forgotten forever.

It's all a dream and illusion now,
It must come true sometime soon somehow,
All across the land dawns a brand new morn,
This comes to pass when a child is born...

2005-11-16T12:36:00.000+08:00

Mega games event - CASTAWAY at Ubin!

2005-11-09T04:29:00.000+08:00

yea what kinda timing is this. refreshed though! :)))

was reading up some stuffs when i was hit and reminded by these lyrics:

Power In The Name

isn't there something beautiful when you call our that Name
isn't there power amazing when in unity we say:"
Jesus Your love upon that hill means we are saved".........
...................................................
....................................................
There is power in the blood
sin and shame they're gone in Jesus' Name
there is power in the blood
and that power lives in me

mmm, should be sleeping real soon! need to recharge and get ready to be farmer, not of wheats and fisherman, not of fish tomorrow! yyyyyyyeeeeeooooowwwwW! whaha. that's like.. more of a cowboy. whaha! ;)

what a time to be so energy filled. hiaks.

2005-11-07T12:17:00.000+08:00

yeah! another time of harvest again! a most different harvest from wheats and rice! a victorious harvest... a harvest meant to be fruitful!

gonna go out to conquer that area of fear i always had! WALK THE TALK!

I LOVE THIS LIFE I SHARE WITH YOU
FREELY I GIVE TO YOU
I CHOOSE TO LIVE FOR YOU!!!

no bargaining! no bargaining of putting 99% of trust and faith in you, no bargaining of only trying 99% to conquer this fear! no reasoning of having already done 99% of reaching out! i'd be nothing without your 100% grace and faithfulness! so no bargaining! i'm giving my 100% to you too!

empower me, empower my group! equip us with whatever we may need for this harvest! do you hear it? the trumpet of victory sounding from not so far... the victorious roars on its way!!!

2005-10-30T15:07:00.000+08:00

Jesus is OUR rock and He rolls OUR blues away!!!

OURS!!! right baby.. ;)

2005-10-26T12:25:00.000+08:00

yuhui and jasmine both screamed when they saw him put the prawn back into the boiling soup.

yuhui:"arh!!! its cooked already! i cooked it for you liao!
lennon:"fishing for prawn cannot arh"

-_________________-""

but anyways, it was funny lar. here's it.

2005-10-18T23:02:00.000+08:00

this is my... beloved leader! his name is lennon sim mi sai!! arhahaha.. no lar. i said that cos' he just said wanna wa pi sai let me eat. crap. but the first sentence is true! he says this is his favourite picture, i dunno how true is it. look at him.. like a small kampong boy.. don't let........................girls see man...stumble them arh.. haha!

2005-10-18T22:10:00.000+08:00

she said:"thank god i still look prettier than you in this ugly photo!" arhaha... we used to look up to different sources and goals in life. now, same.

PS: lennon made us pose really long for this. he looked really sincere and professional. he kept changing angles and all. when we took over the cam to see that he spent 3 mins taking this, we just.. nearly fainted. i think before faint also must kill him first.

2005-10-15T00:43:00.000+08:00

just now weiling talked about God liking to be opposite of the norms. calling the weak, making them strong. wa heng arh! thank God i'm weak! lolxxxxx...

2005-10-14T23:25:00.000+08:00

just now was bathing, wah nice bath. while bathing, many many thoughts flowed through my mind! sometimes, i was singing "Have Your Way". then i found out, sometimes, i feel like singing:

and i will run away
to my hiding place
not by might, not by power,
but by my eager legs

yes i will go to sleep
so i wont have to face
Oh let me stay here until
i'm ok.

whaha. and when these lyrics came into mind, i kinda laughed and realised, all the more i should stay and face! i'm not strong, but i can choose to stick to the one whose strong! i can choose Him to be the Provider of my strength and courage! so here's it! i'm going nowhere except staying to confront! breakthrough breakthrough! grow grow! me me!

2005-10-07T16:33:00.000+08:00

:) tonight might be meeting the 3rd of the Y.A.H siblings. haven spoken to her for a looooooooooooong time.

wa this morning has been fruitful man. woke up early, finished up the last bit of the due-in-20-mins-time project, cooked lunch-made famous esther potatoes k! and then now in school, still trying to complete the last bits of the project thats about to due?(right english)

anyways, been listening to OH WAITS! yes anyways, before i talk about anything elses, my potato balls tasted not bad. no. they tasted good except that they could have been better with more pepper and more salt. ha. so ok i was saying, i have been listening to this song:

can't live a day - Avalon

could live life alone
And never fill the longings of my heart
The healing warmth of someone's armsAnd I could live without dreams
And never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I could live without many thingsAnd I could carry on, but...

I couldn't face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know
I can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I doI can't live a day without You

I could travel the world
See all the wonders beautiful and new
They'd only make me think of You
And I could have all life offers
Riches that were far beyond compare
To grant my every wish without a care
Oh, I could do anything, oh yes
But if You weren't in it all...

I couldnt face my life tomorrow
Without your hope in my heart I know
I can't live a day without YouLord, there's no night and there's no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I do
I can't live a day without You

Oh, Jesus, I live because You live
You're like the air I breathe
Oh, Jesus, I have because You give
You're everything to me

yea. i can do so much without You. i did didn't i, for the past...17 years? but no. i can't live without You.

2005-10-05T10:03:00.000+08:00

i just caught sight of something.. a few words of someone's msn nick..

thank you jesus. praise you Lord.

>>
you're more than a friend. you've integrated to become.. so much closer. its been sucha burden knowing you were far from Him. and then an even greater burden knowing i couldnt be near to bring you back. i prayed and i fasted. my silent cries on days over your life, your distance from God. i kneeled before God and pleaded for Him to bring you back. you no longer turned to me for talks and problem sharings. i became a kinda pressure to you, i know. it kinda pained me, that we were no longer like before. and i figured, all i could do was just pray and never stop praying for you. all OUR prayers have come to past.

please baby, stay with me in this everlasting family. dont ever leave. walk with me. work with me please. 3 down, 3 more to go. grow with me and shine with me, i'm not gonna leave them out of eternity. do it with me baby.

the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, took place on the day i gave my life again to God. the day i decided i wanted to do life with Him. another greatest thing that happened baby, was when i received news that you too did the same. don't leave ever again.

walk with me, work with me. 3 down, 3 to go!!! God empower me! empower us!

2005-09-30T11:57:00.000+08:00

i seem to have a lot to say, yet not know where to start.

feel like talking about.... Lennon. ha.

i remember being still new among them. it was just after my re-dedication. i have no idea why no one told me he was a leader there. i thought he was just a ku-ku brother! whaha. back then after service, we'd all go up to starhub for dinner. he always, weekly treated me to drinks and desserts! there were a few times we stood alone chatting outside nexus while waiting for the others to come up. he never once told me he was leading SP. and i never felt that kinda "air"? too..

anyways, after working with him for a year. i must say, this leader, i truely honour. i'd give anything to remain his amour bearer. he's the only leader who'll give socks as christmas present, and socks again as birthday present. :p he's the only leader who looks that good in his unique goatee. he's taught and imparted me a lot.

lots and lots to say about this leader whose contributed in naturing me in christ.

*you'll never leave my prayers :) 50 amen?

2005-09-21T13:26:00.000+08:00

sica said she met you today. at... chinatown? and i was like "uh.. really?"

so much has changed. yea, our lifestyles and... thoughts? values? interests? character...?

i've got so much to share to sica about you girl. i dislike the fact that you're with him, not the fact that you're attached to another. i started off totally turned off at the mention of his name, totally nausea whenever he came into our conversation. i gave you shit like almost every time you called over him. i was really bothered that you were with him. he didnt give me the good feel that he'd bring you anything good, in the long run. but later on, i decided to stop throwing all the shit at you. i saw you being happy with him. i saw you getting all sweetened and melted over him. i decided i should let loose and learn to accept whatever you've accepted. and i really did. stopped giving you shit didnt i? msged you nice msges yea?

grrr.. whatever. no idea how to carry on. remember easyjournal? pay it a visit alrights.

you're gonna join me on this side one day. right now, i'll just pray, work and wait.

i wanna go back to peicai :( tanaikfong... ms mok..

2005-09-21T12:32:00.000+08:00

wanted to stay to confront it. as in, confront my usual negative reactions to such situations. but.. walked away anyways. i had to stay away to ease it. it seemed at that moment like confrontation was only going to worsen everything. i'm throwing this upwards! i need to stop taking bad situations into my own hands. i need to stop depending on myself, my own feelings, my own emotions, my own strength. i know, and i know very clearly that when i acknowledge Your involvement in these situations, the bad will turn good :)

there is joy in the Lord! let me always remind myself with this!

sica's back again :) for like a week minus a lil'. spent the night with her yesterday. all turned out well :)
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imma be a torch. i'll shine the way.. slowly, but surely.

2005-09-14T17:49:00.000+08:00

i'm a barbie gal, in a barbie world.... but i'm made of fats!!!! haha.... guess who invaded ur blog?

2005-09-14T16:10:00.000+08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

2005-09-08T11:24:00.000+08:00

oh i actually wanted to talk about the overnight studying with joey. it was a real experience to me man! a real godly experience!

she wanted to come over to watch this new jap show. so.. instead of having to take cab which nearly turned out this way, papa was willing to come over to fetch us though he already reached home when i called. watched the show, and then decided to study! so we set a time to study. and its a blessing to me cos' i struggle in self disciplining! with powerful joey around, i'll surely study! ok so from there on, i shan't elaborate much. here's the list of blessings!

*the first blessing is my dad being willing to drive us home. saved us quite an amount ok. and we were on time for the show some more.

2. half way through the show we became hungry, and praise god for this rare available finances which brought us our fav cornflakes, freshmilk, and a packet of huge chips for each of us!

3. as if the food weren't enough, god blessed with this rare call from my mum asking if we wanted KFC. and so we did :)

4. there wasn't any rooms for us to peacefully study in. we had to migrate from study room to bed room, and then to living room. i was quite affected lar. i wanted a nice place and environment to settle down and study!(joey sorry for all that moving!) and then god blessed us finally with a living room with working aircons - both some more. and the moment the aircons were on, it seemed activity in the living cut. my mum stopped walking around, my bro stayed in his room. was just peaceful.

5. joey's parents called, the night studying was accounted and they're permission granted! :) arhaha..

6. and then God blessed me cos' mum developed a good impression of joey! for my family members to like my sb.. means a lot to me! PS: not only did my mum have good impression of her, even used her to nag at me.. grrr..

7. by this time, we were studying much better, absorbing much better.

8. then joey's shepherd called! oh no! joey's jie jie tried calling but couldn't get her! but by god's grace, it all turned out well! haha! joey's mama didnt get angry, even told her to take care and all! its a breakthrough! lolxx.. as in breakthrough for me, for us..

9. when we couldn't finish studying at 1 plus am, i started to ask if staying over could become an option. we evaluated and discussed, and joey agreed to give it a shot. no need guess lar. her mama agreed!

10. we continued studying and then we started to get tired. so in between, on and off we'd pray. very cool! we pray for each other! we totally dedicated our exam and studying to god! we didn't wanna study for our own glory! we wanted to give our efforts, our results all to god for his glory! we were really praying that god bless us in this test so that through this test, we can shine His light onto our friends! not just praying, also had some unplanned, super short worship! it was truely refreshing for me! its the first time i partner SO closely with god in studying!

11. ok so since joey's mama agreed to let her stay over, she needed to remove her contact lenses. she needed contact lense solution. i didnt have any of cos'. so she said use her eye drop to soak her lenses in a little bowl of mine. but later, she decided to try the nearby 7-11 for the solution. we walked out. found toothbrush which she also needed, but not the contact lenses solution. then no idea why, we actually agreed to walk over to another 7-11. and praise jesus! like that also can find contact lense solution! BLESSING NO. 12: we were blessed with the available finance to purchase toothbrush(kid's one some more), contact lense solution and cab home(was near lar) cos' we both had stomachache!

12. through out the quite long walk to both 7-11s, god blessed us with non-stop wind. no sweat at all!

13. we managed to finish studying everything we needed to. even went into revision. :)

14. we managed to acquire sleep still :)

many many lar. that night, there were many non-visible blessings. blessings that blessed my soul, my spirit, my understanding of God. he totally smoothened everything out for us that night! nothing was in our way for more than half an hour! that night matured me in some way lar. logical thinking, discussion, prayers.. it was a really different kind of studying. it was dynamic studying!

all i have will bless you O god!

2005-09-07T22:50:00.000+08:00

grrr! discouragement! major! I WILL NOT AND NEVER GIVE UP! DEVIL GET BEHIND ME! Y O U B A C K O F F C O S M Y K I N G IS JESUS! AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE STILL LIVING IN DENIAL MR TAN, THE KING OF MY BROTHER'S LIFE IS JESUS TOO! OUR DESTINY IS THE INHERITENCE OF THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN! and yours...HA! AT LEAST YOU WON'T GO EMPTY HANDED TOO! YOU'LL HAVE THE PREVILEGE OF ENJOYING THE BURNING LAKE OF SULPHUR! your destiny is known please. you're gonna lose big time! YOU'RE GONNA LOSE TO MY KING BIG TIME! TILL THAT DAY COMES MR TAN, IMMA GATHER MY SALVAGED FAMILY TO THROW OIL BALLOONS AT YOU SO THAT YOU COULD BURN BETTER IN YOUR HOME, THAT LAKE! i have no idea how to go about inviting him now, or even communicating with him. yeeeshuaaaa... equip me with all that i need to speak to him and soften his heart!

ha.. i think i'm screaming at satan like some kid who didn't get the toy she wanted. god help me! miracles! yes i believe! i have up till 12pm tmr! you touched me dear Lord, now touch my brother! reveal your reality to him! tmr! tmr! show it to him that however imperfect his sister may be, she's serving and in the dear arms of a perfect God who makes the imperfect perfect! and this perfect God desires a CLOSE relationship with him too! tell him O' God, that you don't wanna be the only one knowing his bones, his inside out. tell him that you desire for him to know your heart beat too! open up the doors of his heart O LORD!!! let him experience the "meeting the Lord feels greater than meeting my future wife sensation!" i'm lifting it all up to you God. your plans, your timing.

in your almighty, ever magnificent, ever glorifying and ever victorious name i pray! AMEN!

2005-09-06T02:03:00.000+08:00

yeap. aside with whatever's happened with my very loved ___ first.

persecution. what a great pity. i thought that my parents have kinda accepted the my-daughter's-a-christian fact. but no.. a whole year after rededication and commitment, persecution's back again. my dad said i should never believe in miracles. that miracles only lie in one's will. oh come on, so what if you've eaten more salt than the rice i've consumed all my life? i;ve seen and experienced god more than you have! wait till i prove you wrong. be hold alright, that day's gonna come. i told him:"wait till the day you need a miracle, i'll be around to pray for you ok" he shook his head upon this statement. yada yada.. whatever. say anything you want. wasn't paul an anti christ too..

he asked me just how committed i wanted to be. said i was overdoing. look away from the overdoing part, can't you just ask me why i'm "overdoing"? hello! He saved me! my life! and so.. to someone who saved me and changed me so much, how much commitment am i gonna pledge? my life. i lay down my life for Him.

oh! and he tore down the verses i took quite some pain to design and paste onto the walls! was wondering why he had to do it since he said he had nothing against me being a christian or going into religions and all. i figured.. maybe.. one of the verses was:"BELIEVE IN THE LORD JESUS, AND YOU WILL BE SAVED ----- YOU AND YOUR HOUSEHOLD." ACTS 16:31 *hiaks hiaks* he probably tore it down cos' he feels threatened. like, maybe he feels insecure cos' he thinks that it may one day really happen! whaha! oi silly dad, tear down also no use. not like remaining stuck on wall then will this promise be blessed upon my family. i'm a little angry and disappointed at you tearing it down, but do it all you like. its gonna come to past anyway. and when that day comes, you better contribute the living room walls for new verses to be stuck onto. :)))

ok now.. me and my very loved. its not really a misunderstanding this time round. its.. i dunno. on my part, its disappointment. disappointment that i never gained her trust and blah blah. lots. i'm affected. but.. god help us bridge this relationship again. dont wanna see it in ruins. and i love her.

2005-08-30T16:02:00.000+08:00

was just reading back, the past entries. child like faith.. when was the last time i was this doubtless.

i never thought i'd be able to share any testimony or anything near this. but here's it. a very real and true experience that shot my faith in God from 60 to 200 and more and more and more!

saturday i came home earlier than usual, initially to prepare for churching. then i realised, my dad wasn't home and i was so damn broke. didn't have even a cent to travel to church. so i called shepherd, told her i wasn't going. very unexpectedly, she returned the call. she wasn't supposed to be free since she had to prepare for her duty and stuff. i argued about not wanting to accept her help and how i was so poor, i will never be able to get to church that day. i kept praying for an answer previously. but God showed no signs. so i was really determined i wasn't going.

then shepherd got sad, some kind of disappointment. this was probably God's answer. i had to go. it was 3.55 then. i jumped off bed and got all prepared. as i was still worrying about paying off dinner and the trip home, the second answer came. my bro offerred a loan of 7 bucks, which was way better than nothing. and since he usually so seldomly even offers a buck, i figured that God sent him to help me.

as i left home, it was already 4.15. i knew i was going to be late. was even more unwilling to drag zhenyan into my lateness. i prayed, again. third answer. i went downstairs, and immediately got a cab. was about 4.18 then. note: it takes 15 mins to get a cab on saturdays at my place. been there, done that.

i really didn't expect a forth answer to be heading my way. the cab driver, as if he heard my prayer, he starting speeding. now that set me thinking if i were really gonna be late afterall. as i was reaching, i called zhenyan, so she could come down to help pay the cab fare. couldn't get her on her cell. i was really panicking then. by then, cos' of all the answered prayers, my faith was SO much more, i prayed again fro a solution. it came.

the cab driver was driving so fast, it only cost 5 bucks to get to somerset, much lesser than the usuall 7 bucks.
since it was only 5 bucks, i easily paid it, leaving another 2 bucks even.amazing but true. it was 4.25 when i reached nexus.

sermon was so powerful, service was extremely powerful. it was "fated" and planned. i had to be there that day. tell me about coincidence. 7 coindences are too many to believe. did i not mention the 7th? during sermon, faith was mentioned. its only when you have faith in Him, that miracles will happen. with 7 too many, i came home with extreme faith in him. i started to believe that everything was One Way- His plan.

it never occurred to me that i might ever be a life example for myself. is anyone reading going to be willing to experience what i did? i don't promote christianity. i say, i experienced it, if you're willing, come. if you end up not experiencing what i did, feel free to leave. in layman, it means i'm sure you will experience it - walking in heavy hearted, leaving service as if you left the burden in the auditorium.

vincent: don't go church la. go play daytona.
me: need to go church.
vincent: cannot don't go meh?
me: i don't think i will don't go.
*never in the heaven of anything would i have thought i would one day walk my shepherd's footsteps. i believe 2 years back, the [me] was my shepherd, and the [vincent] was all of us who were accussing her of neglecting us.
vincent: i dunno why leh, everyone who go church always end up going every week one. cannot stop one.
*i totally agree. its too powerful to reject.

2005-08-30T14:50:00.000+08:00

arh.. remember my last entry? the trumpet of rejoicing over the small but significant financial blessing of the long awaited VTP allowance? right.. its gone now. but no.. this time round, i spent it more wisely. as in, didnt really like cab around, or waste it on unnecessary stuffs. oh not forgetting, god continued to bless me with small little financial blessings here and there after receiving the VTP allowance too. ok aside with money.

tonight's this class chalet. the first ever class outing i'm joining. a pity i missed the last sentosa trip which i heard my classmates drowned in. whaha. ok neeways, tonight i wont be going as just me. i'm gonna go as....................... as a fisherman. not gonna use fishing rod. i'm a fisherman made to cast nets. ha.. how many fishes do you reckon i'll catch tonight with my partner fisherman? :))) many.

imma make the devil cry in loss man! gonna start fasting on...............................P.O.T.A.T.O.E.S for further, bigger breakthroughs!

"believe in the LORD Jesus, and you will be saved ---- you and your household!" acts 16:31

grrrr yes! every corner of creation lives to testifyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

2005-08-19T15:17:00.000+08:00

yeah! by God's amazing grace, i've been blessed with my small but significant amount of VTP pay!!! wa wenli, a ound of applause to you prayer fo financial breakthrough!!! whaha.. ok i'm overjoyed. :)))

doing the final round of invitation! chiong arhhhhhh! let's pay and not lose hope..!

2005-08-12T04:52:00.000+08:00

raining tonight. my favourite weather.

reminded me as usual, of the past. ha. remember how i used to adore the dark. hated the light so much that i could stay in the comp room all day, late into the night without any light at all. anyone who switcted on the light would get stares from me. i guess it was in the dark, i felt most comforted. like.. i could hide myself in the dark, i could camouflage my weaknesses, my very weak self in the dark.

no longer now. all my life, i wanna hide myself no where elses except in the light, His light. only hiding in his presence, i find peace that transcends all undertstanding. been there, done that. gonna live with this forever.

right now O god, strength, courage, wisdom, faith. amour me.

* **** ** **... and ** ********..

divine exchange. my voice and yours. my thoughts and yours. me in you, you in me.

2005-08-07T02:50:00.000+08:00

today.. marks an emotional but victorious day. bid farewell to a mighty warrior whose riding out onto a new territory, ready to conquer it in jesus's name, with jesus's empowerment.

this mightly warrior, so proud and honoured to announce, was my most faithful, most trustworthy sheep. the sheep who knew me best, who knew my heart beat like she knew herself.

as i looked through all the past photos we had, many images flashed past. i remember the first birthday i spent as a christian, was on a weekday, so the unit didn't gather to celebrate in any ways. we were in sp as usual, evax-ing for the nearing christmas harvest. stayed on late for meeting. then i was asked to lead grace before we ate mac. half way through my prayer, i felt warmth on my cheeks. opened my eyes and saw this sheep carrying a cake, then they broke into birthday song. this was it. my first ever birthday celebration as a baby of christ, in sp FC2, with lennon, yuhui and aifang. aifang ended school at 6, rushed over to sp, ran over to FC5 to get a cake, and then back to FC2 to surprise me.

no one can ever replace this sheep's place in my heart. i remember how i used to hurt her in the past. i had housekeeping duty evert other week. so i'll join them late for dinner. and each time, this already very very skinny and boney sheep will wait for me to come out before she gets her dinner. but often, i didnt realise she was waiting for me. i'll go get my food, and when i return, i'd see her all hurt and put down by me. and each time i had duty, she NEVER failed to carry my always heavy bag along with her, taking care of my belongings. could always depend on her in this. always handed my valuables to her. each time i wanted her to help me do something, i'd call her by the name of "good and faithful sheep". then one day, i did the same again, called her by this again. then she said:"you only want me do things then call me good and faithful one! i strike! dont do!" she said it in a joking manner lar. at that moment, really wanted to tell her that i meant it. to me, she'd always been my good and faithful sheep despite the many bites she's inflicted upon me.

but aside with all these. as sad as it might be to see someone so precious leave, i'm happy too. i know, she's in good hands. both jesus's and dawn's hands. she's riding off to a territory she can finally claim her own. a territory she can finally be fruitful all she can. a territory she's finally gonna prosper like mad in. nothing could make me more joyful than seeing the success and fruitfulness of this precious one.

i asked myself, how it would still be possible to hold this precious one dear to me when she's no longer my sheep. then i was reminded, i could include her in the most powerful thing i do in life. i'll pray for her at all times, always, whether needed or not.

this farewell, is also an awakening call from god to the sisters. its like saying hey! one gone! you gotta grow more! work harder! fill up this space!

wo qing ai de xiao yang.. you're no longer my sheep, but we'll still be grazing grass from the same grassland. praise god for that! xiao yang.. i love you. now go.. go and prosper. when i hear the trumpet of victory and i recognise that its coming from you, i'll be the first to rejoice.

remember: we will grow from strength to strength, from glory to glory, until we see Him face to face. if you ever stop this growth before we meet Him, i'm gonna whack you hard. i'm gonna destroy your cute face which is causing all the "problems"(you understand WHAT KIND OF problems hor.. haha)

2005-07-22T23:24:00.000+08:00

today, i decided i need a breakthrough.not that i only realised i need breakthroughs all my life today. but this day, i've finally cleared things up with Mr. S.A.Tan and decided to wave the white cloth at Big J! i'll go through this alone, with Big J. when Big J's all i have, He's all i need. man, that'll keep me going.

had a chat with sica baby last night. we've been distant since.. since the last time we went commando. which actually was the time she was back in SG. realised, different environment, education background, friends, many things have changed. but we're still very much alike in a few ways :) *winks at sica* the in****re syndrome we suffer from. and of cos' we still love amigos as much as before lar. and we miss each other as much. blah blah.

looking forward to the day i can finally hug her now-all-pumped-up-with-fats-body. can't wait to sit and share life again. can already imagine me laughing and getting all itched up over her new found acsent.(urm, is it spelled this way? arh..ha)

anyways, been having ups and some downs here and there recently. as affected as i am over the downs, cant help but realise the very prominent blessings God's been releasing onto me. right.. private blessings, but precious alright! as i reflect, these desires of my heart were so much of a failure that many times i decided to give up praying over it. though.. i eventually still did. have no idea what kept me going.. its probably the place Big J stands in my life. the role he plays in my life. its so huge, my life would surely be HOLEY if he weren't around.

just hours ago, i decided to flip through the old pages of life. read the old conversations i had with the significant people in life. wow. life's surely taken a turn. with my life, i wanna bless You!

come and make my heart your home. King J, i'm all yours. take me.

2005-07-10T03:20:00.000+08:00

i love you. you've been a significant source of joy to me. my source of support. go... go mightily...

and we'll see you fruitful. and we'll rejoice altogether.

2005-06-10T13:26:00.000+08:00

hiak hiakz..

i should have seen it coming.. been thinking over the past week, it has really come.

whaha.. it came to past earlier than any of the fruits i prayed for came.

but no. i'm not gonna stay down. this time, insecurity will not overtake me. worries and thoughts over this shall not affect me in my service to God. i'll learn, change and then pick myself up. i'll change once again.

;; you walked through the calvary ;; this is nothing near calvary.

if i were to treat this as my calvary, pweh! i'd never be victorious for christ! give me bigger problems! i fear! but i'm willing to take them up, and then i'd use 'em for your greater glory!

2005-06-08T03:11:00.001+08:00

jesus, you've stolen my heart
i'm captivated by you
never will you and i part...
i've fallen deeply in love with you

i wanna drown in your love..forever..

here i am waiting, abide in me i pray..

2005-06-05T01:23:00.000+08:00

as i sat alone(seldom get such a chance, thank god bro's at camp), listening to worships and all, i was reminded of... of my sheep.

i haven't had the time, rather, i never took the time to stop and really check on her a lot, or even spend LOTS and LOTS of time with her. tonight, just now, i was reminded of her. recently contacted her a little more, and as i thought of her, many past memories came to mind.

first knew her better while working back in dec. watched her desire and grow, and then went through problems together, saw the first time she cried. the msg she wrote in the book talking about friend's persecution towards her, facing problems in sp3 together.. pushing each other while fulfilling 2 Kings 2:2, worrying over her wanting to give up during 2 Kings 2:2 period..

as i spent slightly more time with her last night, spoke more to her recently, i discovered, i really love this sheep a lot. my very first sheep, the one who went through so much with me. the building of sp3, the building of sp coreteam.. all the "keke", big eyes more dust, alvin's farting hand signs.. i'm loving this sheep more and more by day. i realised i have never spoken about her to anyone. maybe, to only one or two others.

sheep, you've really been very supportive to me. despite the times i always respond with double nods when people ask if you do bite me, i really really thank god for your presence in my walk with god.your presence in the struggles i face in this walk, has been like a rainbow in the rain. (presence of GOD's the biggest rainbow k!) cheered me up so much! these days, you've even quit the business of biting your shepherd, even gone into the business of encouraging and providing support to your shepherd and CL! all these growth and change i see in you, really makes my heart smile. joy overflows from my heart. sheep, i want to see success in every area of your life.i want to see you be a powerful woman of god, inherit loads of fruits.. sheep, i want the best for you. i may seem expressive, but actually i'm not. it becomes very hard to put feelings into words for me. i never really told you i cared, or that you mattered to me.

sheep, I LOVE YOU! you sailed through so many storms with me! shared so many joyful moments with me! you mean a lot to me. really.. thank you so much.. god so strategically planted you into my life..

2005-04-18T12:01:00.000+08:00

brothers and sisters, the best is yet to come. He's watching us closely throughout the climb. He's waiting at the end with our best welfare. wonderful father!!!

http://seed1.wevision.com/tt2/board/ttboard.cgi?act=read&db=donghaeng_board2&page=1&idx=9

2005-04-18T11:24:00.000+08:00

a father's letter to just any precious child who'd read it.

http://www.fathersloveletter.com/fllpreviewlarge.html

2005-04-17T04:10:00.000+08:00

ripped this off jo-N's blog. its good :)

http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/

2005-04-17T02:31:00.000+08:00

loving someone, you often will want him/her all to yourself. all the attention, all the care, all the time.. but in the kingdom, we do things a different way.

God's love isn't selfish, its selfless.

back on my feet again! its like, a hungry person who hasn't eaten for a month is now gobbling and feeding on the month of food he missed. the burning passion, the all consuming fire..

realised, i've been so blessed. just all these while, i've been overlooking the many blessings that seemed small to me, in search of the great, obvious and visible blessings. read joey's blog and since then, have been praying day and night that i gain the understanding of blessings just like she did. now i know. just anything not bad that happens to you is already a blessing, what more the good things that happen to you.

now god, your goodness and greatness is repainted to me again. i have no idea how many times must your goodness be painted and repainted to me in the rest of this race, but one thing i know, each time its presented to me, i never fail to stand in awe, in awe of You, God...

and now, that you're near, everything is different, everything's so different Lord.. indeed.. :)))

2005-04-11T00:16:00.000+08:00

today brought back great memories. i thought this day, it'll only be marked special for the baptisees. it seems i was wrong. today's marked and impressed things upon my heart.

prayers,
actions,
breakthrough,

lifelong passion............. yes. sometimes as we go through the wonderful life transformations, the consuming fire stage of the walk, going deeper into serving god, doing his work, sowing, bringing people to god.. sometimes, we do these upon motivation, pushing.. we, i, have forgotten the key to these. its a lifelong passion. it should remain a lifelong passion. these work, the love, the relationship we share with god, the all consuming fire, it should never cease, not until we see him face to face. overlooking this, its cost me so much of wasted time and fruitlessness.

lifelong passion, let this be my true motivation.

god, i want to love you more.

2005-04-08T15:27:00.000+08:00

another hour to the psycho paper. i really should be studying now, but my brain's already screaming for help, can't take it no more! i decided that listening to worships would give me more peace, and reduce the anxiety.

can't imagine. 4 more modules to go, all packed in a week. urggg.. i hate exams. especially exams arranged all in a week. shepherd can start preparing to sing "god is good" at my funeral already. :P

that day was talking to shepherd about funerals. so i said, if she died, i'd arrange to sing "heaven is a wonderful place" at her funeral. then that stupid girl, she actively disagreed to that. she insists on wanting "who am i" at her funeral! who'd use who am i at a funeral?! and then she talked about mine. so she said if i died, she's sing "GOD IS GOOD" at mine. !@#$%^&* so i decided at her funeral, its set. i'll sing "how good it is" in remembrance of god's goodness in taking this noisy girl away!!! ha..

right, off to school, and then to a great dinner at chinatown. looking forward to service, to water bap. it'll be the first and most memorable i'm witnessing people recieving the bap. the last time, it was mine. and things were never the same after it. :))) praise the almighty god who saved my soul!!!

2005-04-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

a great eye-opener! try it :)

http://www.wbschool.org/chinesecharacters.htm

2005-03-31T03:37:00.000+08:00

just came out from a refreshing bath. its been some time since i took time off to stare into the toilet-view sky. as i stepped out from the shower, the breeze caught my attention. so i paused and looked into the sky. for a moment, it felt so 9 months ago.

early morning breeze, with me being the only one awake in my family. that familiar smell of oxygen? (i'm assuming that's the smell of whatever gas the plants are producing, that morning smell) those were the days i'd stay up to chat late into the night with jas. enjoying all the laughter, cyber-fighting with each other(*slap, *punch..), making her wait an hour long for me to finish my bath, phoning till 6am in the morning.

and there were the times when i'd go for supper almost every night. even the prata shop uncles knew my face. he saw us so much that each time i asked for extra curry, he'd give a fairly big bowl of it. and each time, i wouldn't return until nearly 4am, sometimes returning home drunk from fun drinking at multi-storey carparks. never got to really meet my family much. whenever it was time for them to wake up, i'd just gone off to bed.

those were the days, the very havoc days when my world was just me and the search for fulfilment.

i've now found a new and eternal commitment that's all so worthwhile. and as i was reflecting on this whole dramatic change, these months, i realised, the only ones standing close and strong by me, are the amigos.

yea, we meet up lesser now, we've got our very own clique now, but these things proved to be too weak for our friendship. they're the ones who till today, have been giving their fullest support in all that i've done. they're the ones who haven't gone:"han, stop talking about god, stop mentioning about the bible!" in fact last christmas, i invited all 4 of them to church, and 2 came. the other 2, they couldn't make it, not cos' they didn't want to make it. i was overjoyed. deep inside me, i knew they didn't come cos' they knew they were going to enjoy any parts of the service, or that they desired to hear god's words and all. i knew that they made great efforts to come out of their love for me, out of wanting to bring me joy. they're the only non-covenanted ones whose gone extra miles for me, extra miles just to bring me smiles.

really really thank god for blessing me with these few. we've got 6. among the 6, 3 are saved. the other 3... i keep in prayers. i love them, and i can never bear to part with them, get what i mean?

mmm, its getting pretty sentimental. aye, recently came to know of this song: adam sandler - i wanna grow old with you

here goes:

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you
I’ll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

I’ll need you
I’ll feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you’ve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

its so sweet yea! but this song's too superficial to mean anything lasting lar. ha.. i was thinking, unless i marry someone twice as young as i am, he'd not be able to carry me when my arthritis's bad since he'd be just as old and frail as i am if we were to be of similar ages. being the very gungho me, maybe i'll end up carrying him when his toe hurts or something.. whahaha! the thought of it tickles. and i was thinking:"if you refuse to bring my medicine when my tummy aches then you die arh!" mmm, if the girl whom this song's sung to, turns old and grumpy at 60, saggy skin, discolouring skin tone, becomes nothing but an old hag, and then plus the threatening presence of more "paris hiltons", would her man still be willing to hand her the remote control, carry her when she's aching and all...? ha, it all sounds so funny.

i should start losing friends and gaining bros and sis in return, since the only people i'm gonna grow old with are the brothers and sisters embarking on this same race!

dear jesus:
i'd be joining you in heaven after i grow old and die right? so, am i going to look old in heaven?

yours dearly,
aifang

whaha, stupid aifang asked me this question. then she protested about having to look and be old when we're in heaven. she claims we'd face much difficulties running to hug jesus every morning if we were left old and limping. this girl, these must be excuses to cover up her desire to still remain vain up in heaven. ha! :p

2005-03-30T00:38:00.000+08:00

i'm coming back to the heart of worship.. i'll bring you more than a song.. you're looking into my heart, into my heart..

2005-03-28T23:25:00.001+08:00

pride kills. pride destroys.

see that you not let pride lead your life.

devil, you're quite something hugh.. i must say you've been really powerful in leading lives into destrcution. urm but... god was your creator, so, you're not that strong afterall. pweh.

2005-03-28T23:25:00.000+08:00

2005-03-25T00:30:00.000+08:00

god, let this be a changing night. this night, i shall be transformed inside, my heart shall be changed, for the better.

i'm so desperate god, so desperate. more desperate than ever, than anyone. tonight god, there's only you and me. i'll spend this night spiritually hugging onto you. i won't want to let go. each time i step away from you, i feel so helpless. without you god, i'm nothing and i can do nothing.

have you always been so close too when i'm not desperate or in need? surely. how sinful, how selfish of me. when less desperate, i allowed other things to occupy my mind. tonight god, do your work in my heart. give me a pure heart, a cleansed soul to do your work., to serve you better.

when i feel like sleeping my life away god, remind me about your presence. when i think of running away from things god, pull me into your arms and tell me i ain't alone.. when i cry my night away god, wipe my tears and rock me on your laps, tell me the greatest security is you.

tonight god, tonight... help me shed my old self. i want to be someone new for you... for you.. help me o god..

2005-03-24T01:42:00.000+08:00

2 more days before easter. all the visitor goals we've set, they'll all come to past! GOD IS IN THE HOUSE!!!

as i read a friend's blog, i reflected a lot, maybe not so. call it, many memories flowed in. she said she felt weak in friendships, her passion for things and more. i was wondering if it was weakness, or was it... emptiness? the god-shaped hole? the word emptiness triggerred many thoughts. i first was touched by God cos' of that emptiness in me too, that void that i later realised, only God could ever fill.

as i reflected on my past, can't help but to drop jaws at god's powers, his reality so real that it convinced me thoroughly in giving up what i thought i'd never let go of for god. there were 2 greatest things i once told myself i'd never let go, never give up on. i promised myself that one would remain my greatest passion for at the very least the next decade or so, while the other i'd hold onto for at least the next few years. little did i know, god's intervention was going to change everything, permanently.

a month or two after my re-dedication, i found myself readily letting go of these 2 passions i promised to keep for long. it never crossed my mind that anything would make me so willingly let go of these 2 passion that's each followed me for years. i was convinced, for sure its god. the way he came into my life, changed my heart and turned my life around. the feeling's beyond words. its how god entered my life and changed it so much that made me want to commit my everything to him, without doubt. probably among all, only shepherd would understand this feeling. she's another of the "guo lai ren". :)))

have no idea why i'm mentioning these. just really amazed at how much god's done in my life. he's my heroine, my morphine, my coccaine. i can't live without you god.. what will i be if not for your intervention? what would life be without your presence? one helluva mess, definitely.

each time i reflect on my past, i realise more and greater things bout my saviour. each reflection shows me a clearer picture of his powers and love. god, i'll never leave you. i fear the withdrawal symptoms without you.
"i love you, i need you, though my world may fall, i'll never let you go..."

GOD! HOLD ME FOREVER, ETERNALLY! I WANT TO RUN THIS RACE HAND IN HAND WITH YOU! DON'T EVER LET GO OF MY HANDS.. LET ME CLING ONTO YOU...FOREVER.. LET ETERNITY BE MY DESTINATION, AND YOUR FACE SHALL BE MY MOTIVATION!
jesus, lover of my soul, even when its at its weakest. who compares to you. there's none like YOU!

2005-03-17T16:35:00.000+08:00

its already thursday, 2 more days to saturday. it has been a dream all these while, the dream of the conversion of my brother. it seems, the dream has drawn nearer for the past few days. waiting for God to prompt me on the right time to ask. i need wisdom, promptings, courage, most importantly, the source of all these - God.

i smell a major change in my family on its way. i can drool dreaming of sharing this covanent with my brother. cool. :)

2005-03-16T11:24:00.000+08:00

i'm leaning on you now, no longer on myself, my own abilities. i am nothing without you. i have nothing without you.

nights ago, i came to realise a really basic and simple point, something probably a newer believer would have kept in mind. me...? been depending on myself too much. God not only corrected me through my leaders, He supported his correction through.. my brother.

i've been working on my brother since ages ago. SP bros been helping me all along. working on my stubborn bro's been so painful. persecutions, accusations, rejections. to the point i no longer dared to ask him to services, or even mention a teeny bit of WOG in front of him. he even yelled at me when i placed the bible beside him.

he's been slacking all the way academically. studies and cca. then all of a sudden, he decided to re-join his previous cca - boy's brigade. so he went for this camp that i rejoiced upon knowing. (it meant i had the house to myself, no yellings and all) :p then the night he came back from camp, i came home late. say, 11 plus. stepped into the house and greeted my mum. then he said:"eh, you never greet me." and i was like, ?! it has never been a practice to enthusiastically say hello to him what. and he said:"i just came back from camp you know, wa lau, never greet me one." seriously, i was thinking whats wrong with my bro! he's never been like this!

so i went to get some leftover dinner, sat and ate while my bro continued playing his game. then he shared about his camp. knowing i was from uniform group and been through all the tekan camps, he poured out lots of tough times to me. then suddenly, this came:

"you know during camp, we go into a small room, those QT room, and we sing worships. we all sang in one voice, you really only can hear one voice, and we sang at the top of our voices, very loud"

you should have seen my eyes, it would have seemed like it was dropping out of the socket.

then he continued:"we sing the we want to run to the alter, and catch the fire...." i got kinda excited. but i didnt want to show my excitement. i told him i had the song and he was quite amazed. then, i joined him in the singing. then he shared that his favourite song was "shout to the Lord" and they sang "still" and all.

as i pondered over this incident later in the night, i realised, its all about god's timing, god's intervention. i've been working so hard on my bro, so hard till i gave up. god is faithful. and he knows when to make things work. he knows when changes should come.

i'm not sure if my bro believes in Christ. one thing for sure, the spirit has touched him. there's such a huge difference! he offerred to help in my project last night, he's speaking to me so much nicer now, no arguements, joyfully discussed the sleeping plans last night, and first time in his life, he played his game online, while listening to worships.

its never about our efforts, or our abilities. its about god's intervention, god's timing, god's plans. i pray that i'll be prompted the right timing to invite my bro to this sat's service. i can almost picture him recieving and doing QT with me at home.

2005-03-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

after what seems to be thousands of years, i'm back. more than ever alive, still dwelling in God's presence :)

easter's coming and i'm very excited. never been this excited in my whole entire life. or shall i put it this way. nothing before i acknowledged my identity as god's child was ever able to maximise my excitement this way. i knew what easter eggs were. knew easter bunnies. knew easter involved lots and lots of paintings. knew i got to enjoy easter holidays. but, how come i never knew why easter came about? this is the first time i'll be celebrating easter the genuine way. no easter eggs, no easter bunnies, no easter holidays, but a whole load of new meaning to easter.

good friday's on its way too. good friday has always been so "good" to me. holidays, back in pri school, we could miss up to half a day's lesson for good friday mass. how good good friday was indeed yea. not this year anymore.

erm..to be continued..

2004-11-29T13:50:00.000+08:00

Won't you lord, take a look at our hands
EVERYTHING WE HAVE, USE IT FOR YOUR PLANS.
won't you lord, take a look at our hearts
mould it, refine it, as you set us apart.
WE WANT TO RUN TO THE ALTAR,
TO CATCH THE FIRE!!!

went over to hq for some kind of dinner last night. and then our loving UL set aside a list of tasks for us. we went into guitar playing and then somehow into an intense worshipping with the ever lovely esther as our guitarist. :) the intense worshipping was over one song. but that one song, spoke so much of the fire and passion in us.

"Lord we need your grace and mercy"

simple but powerful. eeveryone needs God's grace and mercy, how simple. but this sentence spoke more to me. it said:" yes lord, we need your grace and mercy, for you are the only one who can provide these. by your grace that we're here, by your mercy that we've been forgiven and given blessings. life would have been different if my mum was the one who gave this mercy and grace. not my friends either. but you lord, its cos' the grace and mercy came from you, you are the key."

"we need to pray like never before"
"we need the power of your holy spirit"

everyday, every prayer, each time. this sentence when sung, O lord, brings the cries of my soul to you. my desperate cries for your revelation, for your helping hand, for your guiding light. and lord, at this crucial time when the souls are blinding up, when we desperately need to open up our spiritual eyes and ears to their fullest, we cry out to you lord that you give us the strength to accomplish the task - conquering the lost souls. this is the time lord, that not just me, but everyone, every follower of Christ will step out of their comfort zone in search of even greater comfort, the comfort no one elses can give, that is, in your presence O Lord.

"to open heaven's doors"
"spirit touch your church"

"stir the hearts of men"
"revive us lord"
"with your passion once again"

indeed O lord. flame us up. flame us up for YOU LORD!

"i want to care for others"
"like jesus cares for me"

how powerful. to care for others like how Jesus cared for me? Jesus cared for me like i was his only child. he cared for me like i've never sinned against him. he cared for me like he assumed i was never going to fall short of his glory ever again. he cared for me like he had all the time in the world to focus all his attention on me and only me.therefore O lord, allow us to bring out this love you have showered upon us to the others.

"let your rain fall upon me"

2004-11-10T23:13:00.000+08:00

I CLAIM MY PRAYERS BY FAITH! FAITH FAITH FAITH FAITH!!!

it feels like i've just returned from Heaven. it feels like i just came back from meeting God. it feels like, Jesus just gave me a relieving hug! it feels way more than great!

this prayer has been with me for months. every prayer request i made, i included this into it. even saying grace before meals involved this prayer. before sleep, during QT, during service prayers, prayer meet, everything. i never once doubted God in this prayer. and today, it was answered. wow!

this particular prayer point pained me so much! it mattered so much to me that for months this prayer was consistently requested for. the answer has come!

it was never my timing and it will never be. Its God's timing! i'll keep praying, and praying and praying, claiming all by faith, and then wait for God's timing!!!

GOD!!! NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE YOUR GREATNESS. ITS THAT DEEP PASSION FOR YOU IN ME, THAT CAN DESCRIBE YOUR WORTH AND YOUR LOVE. JUST WATCH MY GLORIFY YOUR NAME! AND THIS SHALL BE THE GREATESRowpoopoo. - ;; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:
so i'll pray...tell him my desires...claim them by faith...and wait for his right timing!

GOD, NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE YOUR GREATNESS. ITS THAT DEEP PASSION FOR YOU, IN ME, THAT DESCRIBES YOUR LOVE AND YOUR WORTH. JUST WATCH ME GLORIFY YOUR NAME! AND THIS, SHALL BE THE BEST WAY TO DESCRIBE YOUR GREATNESS! WITH YOUR HELP, WE'LL CONQUER ALL THE LOST SOULS! NOT BY MIGHT, NOR BY OUR POWER, BUT BY THE ALMIGHTY SPIRIT OF YOURS LORD!!! I LOVE YOU MY GREAT! ALL MY SECURITIES COME FROM YOU! WOOOOO!!!

2004-11-05T02:17:00.000+08:00

things will be happening fast. the months can be counted with my mere 5 fingers.

then again, God's plans. :))) and i'm excited to experience His plans. but urm, gotta treasure these precious months!

zihui:
thanks arh. for advises, nearly dying from teaching me bio, feeling happy for me when you realised the question you taught me came out in the paper, and then giving me that killer stare of yours when you realised i didn't attempt all questions. thanks. :)

2004-10-29T01:41:00.000+08:00

WOOOOHOOOOO! God was with me through out my papers! jealous? *grins* heh...

i could picture him floating above my head, reading the exam questions with me, and then frantically searching for answers from his book of knowledge so that he can prompt me with the right answers. its imagination. but one thing that's never plain imagination - God is there, was there, will always be there with me. i could feel His presence during my paper. so blessed! a year back, i already liked the song "i am blessed". (i think the title is this) it was not till recently that i truely understood the whole meaning as i was singing it in my bathroom.

i am blessed,
blessed to be a blessing i am blessed,
i live under an open heaven,
blessed,
that all may see,
its christ,
CHRIST IN ME!

yeah! i've been going to school, telling zihui that i feel so blessed. no idea why. just the happiness flowing from deep within me. its exactly the blessed filling. and then as i sang this song, i realised, i'm blessed cos, ITS CHRIST IN ME!!! YEAH!!! and i figured, i am blessed, so that i can be a blessing to others! hello! i dont want to enjoy His love alone. i want to do it with everyone i love!!!

i read this silly question somewhere. it asked if you were to die tomorrow, what would you spend today doing? i pondered over this question. and the answer i got, was different from other times. other times i had things like i wanted a gathering with all my good friends, i would like to complete my dreams and blah blah blah. now and forever, if i were to die tomorrow, i'd spend today sharing christ to anyone i meet and to all i know! i don't want anyone to miss out the good chance of being brought up to heaven.

i picture heaven as a huge hotel. there're rooms for everyone who ends up there. its like, a huge family there. you don't have to worry about money, problems or anything. so so near God when you're in heaven, what's there to worry about?! so we'd all wake up in the morning, have breakfast with God, take turns to massage him, and then gather to worship, play the guitar, praise, learn to play the harp from the angels. and then just a turn of our heads, we'd see Jesus smiling at us from His throne. I realised, it isn't heaven that's beautiful. Its God who dwells there, that makes heaven so beautiful.

i've embarked on the race, we've all embarked on the race! join us! sometimes i think to myself about being afraid of graduating from poly, transferring to adult group, leaving the usual sisters and brothers surrounding me. then again as i thought, we're all running towards the same destination. i'll see them in the same church, and even after we all die, i'll be seeing them up in heaven. we'll never part unless someone decides to give up on this race.

WE'LL BE SEEING EACH OTHER FOREVER!! YIPPPPEEEE! GOD!!! WAIT FOR US! CONTINUE TO KEEP YOUR BEARD COS' I IMAGINE MYSELF SHAVING THEM FOR YOU EVERYDAY!!!

2004-10-29T01:26:00.000+08:00

2004-10-25T13:38:00.000+08:00

very very firstly. GOD!!! you know me inside out, upside down! you do know that i hate studying ya? i want to pass the course without studying and quickly go into my favourite profession! but God, NO! i shall study for you. i shall draw strength from you so that i can excel in my studies to glorify you! let my results be a declaration of my love for you!!! let this be a declaration of your worth!!! I LOVE YOU GOD!!!

brothers and sisters, if you're reading this, i have some encouragement for you. i was a little down emotionally few days ago. as i stepped out of starhub, i started talking to God. it wasn't even praying. it was like a casual chat i wanted to engage in with God. But everything turned out so unexpectedly great.

from the very first question i asked him about since stepping out from starhub, to the train ride from somerset to woodlands, he didn't stop talking to me. He kept replying my questions, not only that, he replied consolations too. This is one of the things HE, GOD, spoke to me:"don't be sad, don't be discouraged. I'm with you." it came in this form. i didn't rephrase it or anything. just like some of you who heard my account of the first time i literally experienced God's message. i was reproaching myself about sinning, telling myself that God won't be there to bless me since i did not heed my holy spirit's promptings and went ahead with the sin. then GOD's message came as this(original):"my child, you're wrong. when you asked for forgiveness, i forgave you almost instantly." and then now, this "phone chat" with my Father up there. it was so amazing. i asked a question, and then he instantly replied. and when i got answers for my own questions, he'd reply with some words of agreement. the "chat on the phone with God last night" definitely boosted my faith even more.

bro and sis, if God is so faithful to us, shouldn't we also have the same faith in Him? let's learn to put GOD first in times of good or bad. he won't forsake you! God cannot give you the peace at heart if you do not turn to Him. First depend on Him, and be sure that He will be your greatest comforter!!!

i've never been so excited in my life. no roller coaster or pirate's ship ride could get my heart pounding so fast. i hate studying. but GOD! i'm excited to study for YOU!!! GOD!! you're my breath, my heartbeat, my blood, my life!!! my love for you is growing by day!

i'm excited to experience your plans for me FATHER! as i indulged myself in my problems lord, i forgot the major fact that you're in control! and with you in control, i know you want the best for me!

father, i thank you for allowing me to meet so many wonderful people in this christian walk. meihwa, my grand shepherd, i learnt a lot from you. i've always wanted to learn your type of spirit. the type of spirit you have for God. your zeal and zest in serving God.

lennon, always wanted to learn from your unique leadership. being a good leader elsewhere, doesn't make one a good sipritual leader. you're someone i look up to, and always wanted to learn from.

zihui, my spiritual buddy. always there to advise me and teach me.

the sisters from SP, ruth, larina, chiew fang(her humble spirit), tabitha. i learnt to humble myself down from you all, i learnt to be more serious in serving God from you all. and tabby, each time i face problems late in the night, you're always there to advise and console. i learnt to be more loving from you all.

and shepherd, don't think i have to mention much. you helped build my foundation. you stood firm in your faith in God when i opposed you and Christ.

GOD!!! grow me! grow me more more more more! the sinful nature in me will not allow me to become perfect like you. so there'll always be the need for new growth in me. GROW ME BIG TIME!!! keep the fire in my burning!!! SO THAT I MAY NEVER STOP PROCLAIMING OF YOUR LOVE AND YOUR GREATNESS TO THE WORLD!!! thank you for the phone call, God.

2004-10-20T23:56:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry. i'm really very sorry.

i smell trouble whenever i smell myself. :(((

i'd pay just to recieve a hug right now. i think i need it, quite badly.

God...

2004-10-20T01:27:00.000+08:00

been on my mind these days.

is my past a hindrance to me? am i the only one who's acknowledging it as a past?

say, i say "i miss you" to a friend who doesn't know me yet so well, what could anyone who hears it think?, including, that very friend. when it comes deep from within, will anyone understand the intentions? or see it as yet another repetition of the past, my past?

if i say, i really am changed, will those who don't know me from hair to toe-nail believe?

will no "new" friends be able to accept my true emotions? those that are only revealed deep into the night? mmmm...

It shall all be in control of Him. at the same time, the human nature in me makes it inevitable to worry.

2004-10-15T05:41:00.000+08:00

HAN IS SO TIRED!

i've been working on the due-in-12 hours assignment since 2am. i hear my brain calling for some sleep. my right eye's argueing with my left eye over which should take a nap first. my fingers are ganging up with each other to refuse movements just so i won't continue writing and scribbling.

was accompanied by my all time favourites through the night's work. songs like "no me ames", "love me", "leaving on a jet plane", "i need you" were played. and amigos, i started missing each and every one of you once again.

nat:
i miss your puny fingers that can't get any bigger than kfc fries.
i miss your wavy fringe that's never straightened even after rebonding.
i miss your hysteric laughters that always set bystanders thinking you're mad.
i miss your legs that's got slightly lesser hair than mine.
i miss seeing you in your favourite army green giordano tee.
i miss teasing you about not missing you. i do i do i do. i always do.

char:
i miss your woolly mammoth eyelashes which look like curtains for your eyes.
i miss you pronouncing A-P-P-L-E as appleh.
i miss you screaming :"KOH YU HAN!"
i miss your tiny third finger. the one you always use on me whenever i become pervertic.
i miss your indian look.
i miss your finger gesture, the one that looks like you're sticking your fingers to form a mountain looking thing.
i miss your belly. big but so what.
i miss your growing boobs. seemed like yesterday when i said it was flat. i think you can come fight with me now.
kim:
i miss your type writer handwriting.
i miss you going:"KOH YU HAN!!! IT'S YOU AGAIN!"
i miss ganging up with you to pose as mario.
i miss ganging up with you to tease char about her underground relationship with christiaan.
i miss the old fair you.
i miss applying itching powder on your clothes.
i miss giving you a giant float for your birthday.
i miss lying to you that you cannot deflate the float cos' we stuck it with super glue when it was all fake.

gen:
i miss your :"huh? what were you saying?" each and every time you were amongst our discussions.
i miss you not knowing that your hair was falling all over your face.
i miss being attacked by that solid eraser when i teased you about keewei.
i miss seeing you in your TAF instructor tee.
i miss seeing you cry on the day you gave your last hug to sica.
i miss getting scoldings with you like we did back in sec one. mdm yeo, remember?

sica:
i miss your contagious laughter.
i miss the type of laughter you possessed that could get you falling off your chair.
i miss your horniness.
i miss your nails that has never been long since day1 i knew you. you just never stopped chewing on them.
i miss the cool bags and shoes you'd bring to school each time you returned from jakarta.
i miss hugging you, and hearing your assurance.
i miss grabbing your ass in public.
i miss arousing you, in public or privately.

amigos:
i miss meeting you guys in the canteen every morning. it was something that kept me from skipping school.
i miss recess with you guys. the time when we'd be noisest among all the upper sec.
i miss coming together to laugh at char when she went for her injection.
i miss the times when we could use sica's sari as the sea water, rapenzal's hair, the guru's scarf and all and all.
i miss you i miss you i miss you. don't ever leave.

2004-10-12T10:31:00.000+08:00

GOD!!! MY HEART'S SCREAMING FOR YOU! IT'S CRYING FOR YOU!!! GOOOOOOODDD!

i think i'm just being stupid.

2004-10-06T09:43:00.000+08:00

its damn early in the morning now. just completed my clinical prac. bah. i was so careless again. just like the other time. this time's nasogastic tube feedng. i had to become so nervous, i suddenly felt like shitting. so i had to bear the embarassment of asking the lecturer fo permission to go toilet and for a moment, he looked at me as if i was going to attempt to cheat or something.

and then thinking i was pretty confident for this test already, considering the fact that i have been studying for it since last night, i came back with this sense of relief from the toilet. apparently, i was wrong. i later got so nervous, i forgot to prop patient up in fowler's position. and when i did it, i accidentally left it at semi-fowler's. this went on. had to forget to place the potective sheet over patient, needed SO MUCH pompting before i actually was reminded of it. urgggg. it's just cause' of my nervousness that made me forget so much of what i've studied. grrrr! i want to do better! could have done better!

but anyway, i'll be having a whole load of other chances to pove my confidence in the following 2 years to come. so er, i reckon i'll do better next time. :))

and the next grrreat thing. tmr's exam will only end at 7pm. CAREGROUP HOW!!! -whines- I WANT TO GO!!! the thought of missing cg is so irksome. :(

tara. i'm off to the clinical lab again.

2004-10-01T15:50:00.000+08:00

i'm pretty perked up now. faced pretty strong persecution since last night. wow, satan starts work really soon. just hours before yesterday night, i was freakingly excited over the fact that i managed to share christ with my mum in the morning. and on that very night, which was yesterday night, i recieved a call presecuting me. i hate satan.

it didn't stop. went all the way to this morning. such strong persecution, my mum's starting to accuse me of things i never thought of doing. she's using extremely awful words to describe my and christ.

but this time, i'm standing firm. i shall not be shaken by her accusations and words. stand firm in the One i believe, and the faith i have for Him. i trust this situation in His hands, knowing he will surely handle it. well then satan, if you're out to stumble me, you've already lost your battle. this persecution is only going to grow me in faith and in spirit. stumble me not. this is the time i only have God to depend on. the best time to be drawn closer to him. i fear nothing. He is my enourager, my might, my courage. His words shall be my shield. And Let my obedience to Him be my only defence.

James 2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

watch me grow. watch me win this battle.

>>Father, i thank you for all the blessings you've never hesitated to shower on me. Let me speak of you in everything i say, let me think of you in anything i do. I want to spread your love to the ends of the earth, so that people will come to acknowlegde this Lord and Saviour of mine, of ours, of ALL. in your almighty name i pray, amen.

2004-09-29T11:27:00.000+08:00

okay. its pretty much settled. i want nursing as my profession. :)

zihui was sharing the birth of adam and eve to a classmate. so then came this part where the serpernt spoke to adam and eve. my classmate asked: how come serpernt can talk one.

urm, how come i never realised that. never gave it, not even a bit of thoughts. haha. funny question. shikes. i'll blog later. i urgently need to *peewee(my shepherd's language. she calls this the gentle language that's going to give people the impression that you're a gentle lady if you refer "go toilet xiao bian" as pee wee.) now.

taaarrrra!

2004-09-27T11:46:00.000+08:00

friends and family, boys and girls, my blog hasn't become stagnant, but my computer has.

i say, its great that knowing the truth(gospel) sets my soul free, also at times, knowing the truth could just suffocate me. love your enemies, reconcile with your brother and on and on and on. so my dear brother decided to mistakingly delete a configure file in the computer, with all my files and mp3s in it. it was so painful to not be able to skin him alive! but yes, obedience is obeying during times you absolutely wouldn't want to obey. so han was really nice, smiled at my brother, and thanked him for spoiling the only computer at home. and he went: wa, thought you were going to scream at me. heh. no. God must have been the mastermind of this whole deletion of configure file thing. he wants me to develop patience and love correct. phewww..

ok. zihui is pestering me to finish with my cheap-skate use-the-school-free-internet-access thing. stretch your necks and await for my return. LUNCH TIME!

i miss ttsh..

2004-09-21T01:01:00.000+08:00

i am back. after years of suddenly going MIA from blogging.

and the first thing to start off with, is to thank God. for his constant effort in showering me with blessings, and growing me, and his ever-ready grace.

now, i want to watch passion of christ. somebody pls tell me you have the vcd.

ok anyway. i forgot to mention. my baby's back again. 4 days. sad to say, it'll be another year before i get to see her again after these 4 days. @!#$%&*

2004-09-12T00:03:00.000+08:00

my god-sister yutong came online and i happened to see her huge nick. this: I LOVE MY FAMILY! wow. how pure. how genuine. how innocent. how touching.

father, i love you. i regret taking 16 years to know that you're my only comfort zone. thank you for changing me father. changing me so much for the better. no one's ever as ready as you are for me. your listening ear, your consolences, they come instantly, just whenever i need them.

i'm so touched by your grace father. wow. you never failed to forgive me. :) i'll love you as you have loved me. see you in heaven! ruth says, she'll see me eternally. YES! on earth and in heaven! wooooo!

2004-09-08T23:58:00.000+08:00

awww.. i think tarzan and jane's the sweetest love story i've come across. esp the disney version. the whole story sends me melting away. :)

i thank God for the peace he's given me. the peace i've recieved, that no one elses could give. its definitely brought a lot of ease amongst my pain. thank you Jesus.

this name's really not going to bother me. i'm starting to really think that this name is what i want. mmmm... :) faith.

2004-09-07T23:35:00.000+08:00

it definitely feels more than great to witness the drastic spiritual growth of a sister. she was so stubborn, pretty disobedient towards her shepherd too, in some way, she refused God.

and then last week, during the steamboat, limin came to me, and i realised the problems she was facing. tons of spiritual problems. guess who sat round limin for a whole 20 mins teaching limin about faith, believe, and God's love? that one lor. neh, that one lor. the one who was stubborn, pretty disobedient towards shepherd and in some way refused God one lor. it was so WOW! she was teaching limin to take time off to pray everyday! she was teaching limin that faith works together with prayers. that we must have faith in God. AMEN!!!

Father! i'm so amazed by your works! continue to work your wonders on huishan! how can i not be thirsty for you Lord. ALL I WANT IS YOU IN MY LIFE! NO ONE ELSE CAN SATISFY MY SOUL! ONLY YOU LORD! YOUR LOVE, HIGHER THAN THE HEAVEN, DEEPER THAN THE SEA.

i asked JESUS "how much do you love me?"

"THIS MUCH."
he answered and he stretched out his arms and died.

2004-09-07T21:27:00.000+08:00

i thought i could bring her some newspaper tomorrow..

2004-09-06T23:22:00.000+08:00

my lecturer told me that being a nurse, you see all forms of life. from birth to death. i thought pretty lightly of her words, until today.

it took me only 6 hours to witness the first death. came as an impact. thought deaths only occur in the A&E dept of a hospital. the whole process of last office gave that 'sour' feeling.

today was really an eye-opener. mmm..

2004-09-06T01:09:00.000+08:00

:(

i'll pray as i slowly change. yes. won't let my shepherd down.

:) heh. i'm happy again. shepherd, i won't torture you so much next time lar. :P have trust in me okay? forgive me pls.. i will learn to care for my shepherd! its time i be less playful. mmmm..

2004-09-01T23:15:00.000+08:00

never wanted to be loved. maybe, not to the extend if not belonging at all.

am i only a... tool? did i really overlook this? or was it really not supposed to happen?

loss. where's my comfort zone.

i need to feel Your peace.

2004-08-31T23:05:00.000+08:00

ISP's an eye opener for me. i'd say, it will definitely have some impact in me.

yesterday i was attached to the counselling room. those 1 to 1 counselling and education to diabetic, hypertension, HIV, thalassaemia patients. as i was complaining to myself about the boredom, this patient came. she was referred to counselling by the doctors. apparently, she needed education on her condition and her food intake and all. she was a deaf. and a dumb.(can't speak) how was the nurse ever going to counsel a deaf + speech problemed? thank god, this lady had a friend who bumped into her at the clinic. the friend decided to help her with her check up. that helpful friend, was half deaf, and also had a speech problem. so for the next half an hour, the room was filled with hand signs and the patient's attempts to make some noises, indicating she understands, disagrees, and all. other information i can't reveal lar. it's the patient's particulars and private life. she's such a strong lady. the strength in her character would have brought her success only if she didn't have to go through so much pain in life. being deaf and dumb, and then a school cleaner, life must be hard on her. i'm very sure God will bring her salvation soon. yes. her willpower. something i should learn.

her friend. was so helpful, we all thought it was her daughter. you should see our expressions when we realised the interpreter was only a friend of the patient. she didnt even hesitate when the staff nurse suggested she stay with the patient through out the check up. this particular incident had an impact on me. God, bless them.

i'm starting to think that i might want nursing as my job.

2004-08-31T17:51:00.000+08:00

today's ISP was wonderful. my thoughts were proven wrong. who says i can't learn nothing from polyclinic attachment. it was so much! :)

2004-08-31T01:50:00.000+08:00

new account: yuhanfaith@gmail.com

i check this as regular as the blackvolt account. big files, directly mail it to the new account. i quote what my friend told me. "with a 100GB, you can even store a full porn video(an hour long) in DVD quality through e-mail." this really made me aware of the huge-ness of gmail.

2004-08-31T01:49:00.000+08:00

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note onthe patient's dressing, which said "Sorry,had to mow the lawn."

2004-08-30T20:59:00.000+08:00

i had a chance to share christ with my dad tonight. it failed, in a way. he became very defensive and all. he challenged me to questions i once challenged others. in this sense, i failed to make him understand christianity. now he thinks i'm 'addicted' to it. he can put it this way by all means. i know that this addiction is changing me for the better. :)

then again, he managed to see my progress in christ. isn't very supportive of it. in fact, he'd try to discourage me if i wasn't so stubborn. listening to me share, he told me he knows he can't change anything already. he says he knows i'm 'into it' already. ok. so don't change me ok? let me change you. :)))

i shan't give up. persecution can go on. i ain't afraid of nothing. don't try changing me. try seeing my change. and then, you'll feel the wonders. faith. :)

2004-08-30T00:16:00.000+08:00

yeap. :) the step of faith was taken. no regrets, AT ALL. but still, the most unexpected and paiseh-ing stuff happened lar. david goh yong xian and we all heard it as koh yu han. -raises eyebrows- so ok, i was thought to be david. urgg.

i know that my obedience will only bring me closer to my Father, and further from sins.

oh, back from indo. took a whole lot of pictures. i highly doubt i'd post myugliestandmostembarassing photos online. but er, its opened to anyone who asks for it. "ask and you shall be given" :P

tmr's attachment day 1. nervous, plus sick, plus wanting to fake sick, plus lost.

shall update the details of the events which took place in indo soon. wish me luck for the next 3 weeks of attachment. no1, pray that i won't make silly mistakes while handling patients. no2, just pretty get me past these 3 weeks in peace. no3, pray that i won't have to walk around in my stinky uniform much after work.

2004-08-26T13:08:00.000+08:00

kim told me i'm her hero. she said my message brightened her day. like so awwwww... she finds it embarassing though, so she's got me to keep her message thing a secret. so well, alright. shan't tell anyone. KIM SAYS I'M HER HERO!! aiyah but its so boring. i'm always the hero. pwehhh. :P -hides-

2004-08-26T12:14:00.000+08:00

amigos if you're reading this, give it a try. re-enter the 2i web if you haven't done so in ages, leave your loudspeaker on, take a look at the 2 uploaded amigos photos.

the music makes everything more sentimental. look at our smiles. it was all so genuine. so sweet. it was like, we wanted the world to know that we were enjoying lives in each other's company. the prom night photo. look at what each other wore to prom. of such rare elegance, esp sica and kim. and then the picture we took during the "last meal". that photograph together with the matching piece of music brings back lots of memories. i still tear everytime i return to my photo albums. gen crying in front of us for the first time in so many years, crying in sica's arms. every single one of us crying our way home. the hardest we've ever faced, was to part with sica. everyone of the amigos are so important. amigos would never be amigos if gen's blurness was taken away. kim's constant :"KOH YU HAN!!! CHARLENE HARIDAS!!!" sica's laughter's probably what our school mates know us for. nat, the vice president among the group of trouble makers. yes and finally, me and my horny hormones.

we're all so tired now. life was never care-free, but it was way more relaxing with you guys around me all the time. i always thought of skipping school. the way miss yaps scolds me "buffalo" in class everytime i don't hand in my work, how i don't study for tests, and how i'm just plain lazy, refusing to attend school. but each time, its the thought that i'd be seeing you guys at the very start of my day, that perks me up, that drags me to school. i dread school. i dread lessons. but i always, and never failed to look forward to the 7.00 to 7.20am slot. amigos reigning the canteen.

when will life ever be the same again? when will i ever get embarrassed in the cinema cos' of sica falling off her chair while laughing, again? amigos, i was nver the affectionate sort who would go around announcing that i love all of you. but i do. if someone were to ask me life or amigos, i'd choose life. cos', you guys are my life. without you, i lose a major part of myself. han is never as horny without the amigos. han's jokes don't seem as funny if it wasn't telling it to you guys.

it's really painful. i miss you all. i miss the amigos.

i miss nat.

i miss gen.

i miss kim.

i miss char.

i miss sica.

i miss water splashing. i miss calling char chicken feet. i miss being called trotters. i miss my kacang. i miss the girl who once laughed so badly, she fell off her chair in class, just cos' mrs yeo called ah neh ginnie. i miss the girl who writes fake love letters with me, the one who teaches me how to write like char. i miss the girl who never seemed to understand what the amigos talks about.

amigos' just so special. we've got an indian chinese, an indo chinese, a malay, and 3 chinese. we've got a buddhist, a christian, a muslim, a free thinker, a catholic, and one who's dad is the chairman ofthe taoist association. and we have one who's so damn puny, 2 lazy fatso, 2 who adores sports, one who's good in almost everything. then you figure, that the 2 lazy fatso have the best figure, most sexy. the so damn puny one, being skinny yet nutritioned without working out, the one who's good at sports and studies looking like she's never been stressed, she could spend her day watching cartoon yet achieving an A, never grpwing any fatter or skinnier too. and then the 2 who adore sports being the fattest among all.

amigos itself is so contradicting, so ironic, yet so unique. being a group of trouble makers, the prank call, the throwing eggs in the open field, teasing teachers, han forever having academic complaints, sica tearing her book in front of the teacher, yet so ironically, we could have an exco vice-president amongst us. and then us being the most playful geeks could produce a scholar of whom doesn't think an L1R5 of 10 is aweing at all. and being the very playful us again, how could any of us be so faithful and committed to a relationship that could last for 3 years, nearly 4.

we used to sit on the swings, claiming to be day dreaming about realising our dreams. we'd plan everything so smoothly, and then tell ourselves wait long long at the end of the day. look at us now. we're all persueing our dreams already. i'm in my dream course. nat's in the course she wants. gen's at a place most suitable for her, having joined her favourite cca. sica's at this la la land which also suits her best. char's on her way to being in arts management. kim's in the course she prefers.

wow.guys, you gave me the best memories of life. the best times of my life. the best laughs of my life. the warmest hugs, sweetest smiles, most comforting voices, most reliefing times, and the most fun times.

its a long and painful wait. probably, another 3 years time, when the other part of us returns, we'll be complete again. i miss you all. :_)

2004-08-25T16:33:00.000+08:00

MOK ZIHUI IS COMPLAINING THAT HER ASS IS WET!

2004-08-25T14:12:00.000+08:00

oh know something, i think everyone i know already knows my favourite verse. during service last week, jeremiah 29:11 was mentioned 2 times. and both times, i got damn excited. zhenyan tapped on my shoulder once, yuyan laughed at my reaction. and my shepherd gave me this card with my favourite verse too. ha! if i were a guy, maybe i could be called jeremiah? haha.

anyone who comes by and reads this >, if you have anything you want me to pray for you, leave me a message on my phone, in my comment link - 'take a shot at han', e-mail, msn, or a call. strangers even, i don't mind.

2004-08-25T13:06:00.000+08:00

AMEN! god read my mind, like always. god's seen through my heart.

recieved a message from lennon. it mentioned 'having hope in God'. i thought i understood it. i mean, having faith, hope, and trust in god are the things written in bible and all. then as i was walking around the house, reading the bible, thinking of things, i realised, he had a meaning. god spoke through lennon. he knows that there are some problems i'm facing. problems about spreading his love. and he chose the right time to send me his message about 'hope'.

yes, i shall continue to have hope in Him. i will never give up. for i know, God's only waiting for the right time to work his wonders.

i usually don't have the time to read the bible. shepherding's probably the only time i have for little bible studies. then i fell sick. stayed home and decided to spend some time on reading His words. everything spoke to me. every verse, every chapter. its as if God knows my problems, therefore intentionally sending me these verses. i've found answers to my life. :) amen.

now the part about me being sick. grrr. my fever's so on and off, it comes and goes every hour. i like fever least among all the sicknesses. and stupid zihui still wants me to go buy shoes with her. -stares-

then again, i thank God for allowing me to be sick. i took notice of his words - my answers, only because i'm sickly resting at home. HOOOOORAYYY!

2004-08-24T11:23:00.000+08:00

YUHAN IS USHING FOR TEAM MEETING NOW. AND MEIXUAN ISN'T MAKING THINGS ANY EASIER. SHE KEEPS STAING AT ME. I SUSPECT SHE TOTALLY ADORES ME!

2004-08-24T02:24:00.000+08:00

i really don't think i'll even have the time to sleep. its 2 now and i haven't taken my 3rd bath of the day. and i have to wake up at 5, so i could WALK to meixuan's house. if you know me, i'm a lifetime pig. seriously won't agree to walk, what more wake up early in the morning when the roosters are still asleep.

still, rasht, all for you. don't think we'll forget you in no time. pervertic yes. but you bring life to our class. its like, who pops his face from behind the curtains to scare the 'nurses' during practical? who laughs so hysterically at jokes? keep appealing ya? 29's too little for a class. 30 would be just nice. come back please.

skipped a lesson today, and was late for the second. what's up with me.

2004-08-23T02:36:00.000+08:00

i was talking to jas about my mum knowing i'm a christian, yet blasting buddhist chanting early one morning. so jas suggested i blast my christian songs too.

han: i CANNOT blast my christian songs. the buddha statues in my house will come alive and chase after me.

jas: then if i blast christian songs in my house leh?

han: *thinks* if you do not know, her house buddha statues are life-size.

han: GOD!!! come to think of that!! your house buddha statues are 20 times bigger than mine! dont ever blast that. you might nv get to see me every again!

2004-08-23T00:14:00.000+08:00

so, after all the pondering and praying, i''ll be flying to indonesia next weekend. He gave me answers to my doubts. so for those who know what i've been worrying about, its all fine and alright now. God will be watching over me.

its probably the problem with the booking, the ticket fare, and the damn dress i'll have to be in to attend the party. i hope the flight home won't be delayed in any way.

baby, god doesn't allow his children to forget best friends. so he sent me multiple answers to my prayers without me knowing. now i know, he wants to assure me that i'll be ok there and back. he wants me to be there on my best friend's big day. :) so, see you there! shall take a look at how your house looks like.

2004-08-22T19:54:00.000+08:00

thank you Father. you gave me what i prayed for. the best day ever. my family was the most harmonious(spelling? *scratches head*) today. my brother rejected my offer of swimming cos' he said he wanted to study. and he set studying goals for himself. my mum didnt get pissed at all. its one rare sunday she didnt throw her temper. dad's been home since morning. though hidden in his room, came out punctually during mealtimes, vounteering to buy our meals. and as for me, all these had t be topped off with an even happier news when i recieved cous's sms. she's done it. her faith's grown. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaahoooooooo!

was watching the shooting of a swimming pool scene when i caught sight of teamsingapore swimmers training. been my dream, but never thought of persueing it since i thought it was totally impossible. now maybe i should try. shall start swimming everyday. mum told me when i was in pri school, she brought me to hwa chong pool to get angpengsiong coach me in swimming. like... @!#$%&* why did it not happen?!?!?!?! something like, my dad wasn't really happy about that. urgg. now i shall promise to swim everyday to improve my timing and all. i won't care even if i start developing gills.

2004-08-20T23:04:00.000+08:00

I P-A-S-S-E-D MY CILINICAL PRAC! attachment attachment...i here your calllll... :)

examiner said i passed well. :)

it's finally come. my baby's on her way home already. just another 2 hours time, i'll be hugging my baby again. wooo..it sure feels good to know that your soulmate's meeting you again after isolation of 6 months. everything's gone pretty wrong. not all the amigos can meet up. and i'm getting way too busy to spend sufficient time on st.john. feel damn irresponsible. and then shepherd's shoes and all. travelling to school from cairnhill. how would everything turn out to be? i'm really fearing now..

anyway, baby!!! i'm gonna be sleeping in your arms again tonight!

2004-08-18T12:02:00.000+08:00

>>hope to see you around. hope to see you come and be transformed. "the biggest and greatest miracles that can ever happen in you is LIFE TRANSFORMATION"

i was e-checking my mails when i came across this old mail, dated 4 months back. it was from - the shepherd.

couldn't help but to keep nodding my head in agreement while re-reading the mail.

"just like the most recent incident. i really prayed. i prayed so hard and i prayed specfically. i prayed that God will just change Yessica's flight to maybe later time in the night or even change the day. and God answered. i was so happy. extremely happy. do i sounds like a sadist? well, remember wat u said? you ask me to pray for something to happen so that u can come church. and well,.......... it was answered. but last minute, you told me u had this stupid long meeting. i can understand that St John meeting are super long and soapy... but you gave me hope. you told me u will try to come. you said even if you can't make it for sermon, you will join us for dinner. i was waiting.. anticipating... 5pm,u didn't call me. i wanted to pick up my phone and give you a call. but i told myself: "if you wan to call. u will call. if u really wan to come, u will come." okok...i'm not blaming you for all these that had happened. really. not blaming you."

i'm sorry i was once. no, more than once so ignorant about your patience and His love. her flight was changed. and i had a meeting. but, the meeting was never so long. now that i'm already experiencing life transformation, i will never repeat my mistakes again. sorry. and, thank you.

*there's this girl sitting opposite me. she's been dancing on her chair since just now. raising her hands to clap while she mouths some lyrics, spreading her ams out, swaying around with her eyes closed. i suspect she's listening to praise and worships. what else can make one so high?
but then, does she not realise that it's more than me whose attention has been attracted? even her friends are giving her the horrifying looks. ha. what christ can do. how wonderful.

2004-08-18T11:14:00.000+08:00

i passed my clinical prac, not.

then again, it was a blessing. i actually failed my assessment in the fist few minutes. but the lecturer allowed me to carry on, and it was from there that i realised i made so many other mistakes. if not for this blessing, i would be failing again on my re-ass.

mdm tan is 55 yeas old. she has a renal failure and is slightly confused. determine how you would take her vital signs at 0800hrs.

i thought it would be easy since lecturer said patient doesn't have a shunt on any arms. wrong. so wrong.

the biggest mistake, was to actually walk out of the clinical lab and ASK for a volunteer patient. the most wondeful and helpful volunteer was a male. so many other females were willing to be my patient!!! and you mr tanguohua, i wanted a madam tan, not a mister lar.

han: er, anyone wants to be my patient?
the whole class went "me me me me me"
guohua: MEEEE!
han: but i want a madam tan.
guohua aleady MEEEE! into the clinical lab before i could reject his help. grrr...

now the after effects of letting guohua become my patient. he stupidly went to wear long sleeves on the day when his classmates needed to take blood pessure on the patients. @!#$%&* took me like 3 mins to put the manometer wap round his half-covered-by-sleeves arms. -ROARS-

what could be worse. han han han han. there must be a reason that they said mdm tan was confused. its not just as simple as e-assuring her! no. i was just too stupid and nervous to think that it could be anything elses. so i took oral temperature. then the wonderful me got an instant failure the moment i poked that thing into his mouth. only, i didn't yet know i have failed.

i think i did all the what nots. injured the patient's hips cos' i pushed the bp table into his hips.
@!#$%&* -curses- and i got so nervous, my eyes went cock. i took repeated times of estimated systolic and it both read 100 mmhg. it was only when i was prompted the 3rd time to re-take that my cock-eyes finally realised that the esitmated systolic was 110 mmhg.good lar. good for you han. bravo eyes you've got. oh but the final outcome of bp taking was eally accurate. both the systolic and dystolic tallied with alan lim's. -phew-

the finale of my whole assesment already. STILL could come up with more mistakes. huh. happily charted my records down, only to realise that i charted everything under the 4am column. asked for change of record sheet. happily re-charted everything again, only to hear alan lim pointing out that i recoded the tempeature under 8am slot, but the rest unde 4am slot. i could have just died there. could have just poked myself to death with the themometer or something. how could i be so damn blur?! argghh. everything was revealed. was told i failed instantly the moment i decided to take oral temperature.

later, while sitting outside waiting for the others, alanlim came out.
AL: oh yuhan, one more mistake.
han: huh? oh yah? *really sincere
AL: next time don't write your name on the clinical chart. you're not the patient.
han: instantly went into shock, nearly bursting into laughter.

never knew i was that stupid, seriously. oh my.

still, i think god has been really nice to me. alanlim has been very merciful. he could have jolly well screamed at me to get out of the room when i failed at the very first stages. he allowed me to continue, allowing me to discover the other mistakes i made. now i'll not fail again on friday. yes? :) yes. i have faith.

didn't cry after failing though i seriously felt super depressed. was about to already cry when i thought of my Dad. jeremiah 29:11 -nods- he must have his reasons for not blessing me with a pass. now i know why. cos' he wants me to learn all the mistakes i could make in future. was really comforted at the thought of that. now i'm confident that i may even get a full marks pass on friday. :)

2004-08-18T00:32:00.000+08:00

"Listening to them go over those papers made me want to cry. All these years, I've regarded them almost like my own parents. Why did things have to come this way? Is there really no room for redemption? Everything has changed, I saw the look in his eyes, I saw his face change. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry that I can't do anything to help, not even a single thing to make you all feel better. We've never talked about this before, I don't dare to bring it up. It's painful for everyone, and partly, I don't know what to say. Nothing anyone says now matter. All i can do now is to be here, whenever both of you need me. If only everything was just right again, if only everything was like the past, if only, if only.."

all that's enough to give me all the comfort i need. i never thought anyone would feel this. not even my blood cousin. didn't know that you'd already treated mine as your parents. thank you for such a consolation. though it was never made known to me and i stumbled upon it. youshithead. you made me want to cry. just want you to know, that if you were to ever need us too, we'll be all ready to help. you're like, my blood sister. being just there for us, is more than enough already. thank you. and sorry that you had to hear them go through the papers.

2004-08-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

my stupid phone is a loser.

is it a testing or anything? or just starhub not connecting? OR is it my stupid phone causing all the communication break down?

i'm starting to think i might afterall want to be a nurse. then again, nothing really makes any huge difference. everything's within the medical field.

shall go study really soon.

*i need Dad to help me keep my old going. yes. i shall be a changed. the old has gone, the new has come. yes yes. :) i need new clothes too.. how about that? Dad!!! throw some clothes down from up there!

2004-08-17T15:37:00.000+08:00

tomorrow's practical. and damn. why do i have to be a "Koh". my blood pressure thing's still not settled. i'm yet a 100% sure that i'll be able to find the bracial pulse tomorrow. grrrr... shoo. go away. don't bother me with tests till i'm ready. -pouts :( 2 more tests on thursday. and how could you schedule the test at 6pm? -pouts whines squeaks pulls hair-

grrrrrr. YMCA camp was really fantastic. the trips were wonderful.(i'll blog on the whole trip when i'm F-R-E-E) but having missed service totally sucked. it feels like i've missed out doing something last week. :(

2004-08-16T00:29:00.000+08:00

amigos chose the coldest spot among the colder spots, in front of a magnificant display of fishes. while chatting into the night, kim mentiioned she had quite a bit of questions to ask the fishes. we all agreed. one of them was whether the fishes do sleep or not.

at 2am, when all fell asleep, they were still swimming around, like they did 3 hours ago. at 4.44am, when i woke up, they continued to swim to and fro the huge tank. at 6.30 as i woke up once again, they were still swimming around relaxingly. so at 7.30 when all woke up, we concluded that those fishes simply don't sleep.

we gave the place a last tour before settling into our sleeping bags. i was really awed by the cuttlefishes. haven't seen a live cuttlefish. by the time we gave the last tour, most of the cuttlefishes were already sleeping. they're eyes literally closed, and them staying put in the spot kinda really told me they were sleeping. but there was one particular cuttlefish who had his/her eyes closed but floating backwards round the tank. so i was like questioning: "is he/her sleepwalking or what?! how come the eyes are closed but he's moving around? backwards some more." it was very hilarious - its movements. then char started to laugh hysterically at me. laughing at how i thought cuttlefishes could "walk". @!#$%&* she even said:"yes han, yes they can walk. they can even jog. *and she did the actions of jogging on the spot. you know seriously, they would even march. *she did the marching actions, half the time laughing loudly." next morning, she lost her rubberband. she was searching for it frantically. so then i told her:"see, you really don't believe that the cuttlefishes walk right? now they got angry and they walked to you in the night and stole your rubberbands. i know it cos' i was the mastermind. i told them to do it." char:" oh ya ya. *pretended to look amazed. and you're the king of cuttlefishes." i was really having a good laugh lar. urm, next moment, my handphone flew and fell into the toilet bowl. eeewks.

2004-08-16T00:17:00.000+08:00

i promised never to use vulgarities ever again. and since a month ago, i've already stopped getting the strong urges to use vulgarities.

seriously, how could i refrain myself from that now?

you bloody fuck. are we even blood related? how dare you bloody get my teacher involved in this whole affair. how dare you make blind accusations. how dare you accuse her of ripping the happiness off my life when you're the bloody fucker who's ripping the major part of my life off me. do you really think whatever you've done is so trivial? seriously, then you're too naive. YOU ARE F-U-C-K-I-N-G WRONG my dear. damn wrong. me being quiet or keeping to my silence really doesn't mean that i'm either kept in the dark about things, or that i agree with whatever that's happening. you know i've always been pondering over your comment some time ago. how you tried to tell me that we were all wrong to have pushed you to your ends, that we should have given you second chances, cos' if we did, things would have been different. how'd you have the cheek to tell me that?! you? a second chance? a damn NO! as much as i respect you, i sometimes wish to draw your genes and blood out of me. i think you NEED to come to know Christ, so you could be a nicer and kinder person. if you ever get the people who love me most into trouble, i'm never gonna acknowledge your blood in me. times when you were far from me, they were the ones who stood by me. you haven't yet thanked them for supporting me through.

one day, my Father, will return us the happiness you've taken from us. you can enjoy all you like now. when the time comes, that is, my Father's due time comes, His plans for you will be revealed. and i do not believe in good plans waiting ahead for people who do not repent.

i don't hate you. i really don't know why. in fact, i forsee myself still talking to you tomorrow. i'm pretty calm already. the thought of my Dad brings me peace deep within. wake up and learn your mistakes before my Dad takes any actions. stop telling the world how she killed us when you're the one who did it. you murderer of my happiness.